Archive for January, 2021

“I wish I knew how to quit you…”

January 14, 2021 Leave a comment

Welp. He’s been impeached. Again.

If you really think about it, he could have been impeached weekly, so it seems he got off easy.

Republicans who swallowed gasoline so they could piss it on Trump’s dumpster fire are now calling for “unity and healing”, as if finding common ground with the incel wearing the “Camp Auschwitz” t-shirt is what’s now required to save our democracy. Rapey wrestling coach Jim Jordan is chief among this crowd, and is fast gaining on Mitch McConnell as the most despicable shithead on Capitol Hill.

Banned from just about every social media platform without a large KKK presence, and too cowardly to actually do what President’s are supposed to do, which is to use the White House briefing room, Trump has resorted to making what appear to be hostage videos, looking like he’s desperately holding in a shit as he reads the words crafted by somebody else…..under strict orders not to hate-riff on his own and blurt out that he’s gonna own the libs by pardoning the shirtless flag-faced viking head and khakis guy currently in prison and insisting on organic food, because “muh rahts”. Even as Trump mocks his mob of supporters as “low class”, he just can’t help feeling that Brokeback Mountain thing in his loins….quietly weeping in front of “Fox and Friends” every morning as aides work on his weave, muttering “I wish I knew how to quit you…”

There are currently more US troops in Washington DC to protect our nation from its own President and his violent supporters than there are in Afghanistan.

There’s evidence that a few lawmakers held trumper terrorist seminars the day before the riot, so the boys could get their directional bearings. That doesn’t sound too much like treason, does it?

In the wake of the coup, metal detectors have been set up at the entrance to the house chamber, and the law and order crowd are refusing to abide by them, unwilling to put themselves through what school kids are forced to put up with daily, on account of lawmaker cowardice in the face of the big bad NRA. If my kid refuses to pass through one, he can’t go to school. If a batshit congressperson refuses, the Capitol Police stand down (seeing a pattern here?), and are subject to verbal abuse in the process, which I’m sure they would put up with from a random black person.

Meanwhile, the hallway is filled with sleeping national guard troops sent to keep these brainiacs from being killed by the crazed supporters of the President they have enabled for 4 years. The ones who chanted “hang Mike Pence” repeatedly as they rummaged through the capitol looking for him to do just that.

Nothing to see here. Just your average, everyday banana republic.

It was never about “support the blue”. That was just symbolic gibberish, like the flag pin on your lapel (John Prine called you out for that nonsense 40 years ago). If the “blue” happen to be inconveniencing them, they’re tossed aside as quickly as the children of immigrants.

The job of the “blue” for these people is to keep their knees on the necks of the same people they hate. As long as the relationship stays that cozy……it’s as black and white as red white and blue.

But start applying the rule of law to these “Patriots”? That’s when the face paint and the flags come out, if not that masks. That’s when the cops start tumbling down the capitol steps while being beaten with flag staffs and fire hydrants.

Ironic that masks might not only have protected these clowns from Covid, but also federal penitentiaries. It’s pretty hard to not arrest you if you insist on real-time photographic evidence of your crimes…..featuring your faces and your live-streamed voices. Perhaps you could have gotten away with kicking your feet up on Pelosi’s desk if you were wearing an N95 mask. And it wasn’t hanging under your chin. I feel like I need to reiterate that part. Alas, the “hoax” is gonna bite you on the ass again. A prison uniform awaits. And quite possibly a ventilator.

If this wasn’t wasn’t reminiscent of that communion line of Jim Jones Guyana kool-aid drinkers, it’ll do until something better comes along.

We’re doomed.

In a bit..


Categories: Uncategorized

January 6, 2021

January 7, 2021 Leave a comment

This one is for me.

You can read it if you want, but I just want to get it down on virtual paper….how I’ve been feeling the last 24 hours. It might be a bit disjointed, but then again, that’s to be expected, right?

Other than our parent’s religion, nothing is drummed into us as Americans more than the mantra “we live in the greatest country in the world”.

Flags and pledges of allegiance and apple pie and July 4th picnics and visiting the cemeteries on Memorial Day……our freedoms a sense of wonder to people all over the world. That shining city on a hill….that beacon of democracy. Pick your phrase. Pilgrims sharing turkey and stuffing with the Indians, all men created equal…unalienable rights…, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. It’s enough to make you feel red white and blue all over. As a kid, it’s pretty powerful stuff. As we grow and become more and more ignorant of history, it becomes dangerous.

We rarely live up to our own ideals.

Images from yesterday are what dance in my head today. Watching them in real time was familiar, because we’d always seen this sort of thing on the news….from someplace else. From “shithole countries”. Places too dumb or too dark to embrace the blessings of democracy, and the infallibility of the “free market”. Foreign correspondents being jostled by mobs as they reported from some unenlightened corner of the world, and we’d look up from our TV dinner trays with the smugness of God’s chosen people. It could never happen here.

And yet there it was… a mob waltzed into a strangely undefended Capitol building, and chased a lone terrified mall cop up a series of staircases, looking for the V-spot of their rage……the place where traitors had gathered to officially brand their Dear Leader a loser. To stamp it into the history books once and for all. It would not be allowed to happen. They screeched and they preened and they posed for LOTS of pictures. They waved flags, of course. But mostly Trump flags….they seemed to outnumber the red white and blue ones by miles. And then we all saw it. The confederate flag. In the halls of the United States Capitol. The flag of treason and racism, being waved in support of a treasonous and racist President, with no sense of irony at all. Meanwhile, our elected officials huddled on the floor, behind doors that were barricaded with whatever furniture could be dragged…..instantly calling to mind American classrooms during the height of school shooter season.

Cut to a side window. Weird to think that the US Capitol building could be breached by the simple act of breaking a window, yet here we are. Dudes straight out of central casting. Wild-eyed. MAGA hats. Incel beards. All flabby and pale….the color of snow mixed with dog’s piss. Clearly being filmed……and making no attempt whatsoever to hide their identity. They pour into the building one at a time, for the window can only fit one fat guy at a time. Being a revolutionary takes patience.

There are lots of wannabe Robspierre’s in this crowd, although I don’t expect this lot to know the reference. One poses in Mike Pence’s chair on the Senate floor. Another sits with his feet up on Nancy Pelosi’s desk. One is shirtless, carrying a bullhorn, and wearing a viking head and face paint…..but the look is sorta soothed over by the Steve Kornacki khakis. All I could think about seeing him was….”he’s somebody’s next door neighbor”.

Is that what my Father’s generation fought and died for?

And outside the more limber Patriots are scaling the wall like Avengers, surely a bad look for the “build the wall because that will keep ’em out” crowd, but there’s little time for retrospection when you’re live streaming on Facebook to your high school buddies back home. Talk of this day will fill barrooms for the next 50+ years. Assuming we’re ever allowed to go to bars again, that is.

This goes on for…..hours. Cops are….well…..nobody really knows. We do see one. Quite prominently actually. He’s taking selfies inside the Capitol with the rioters.

We’re repeatedly told the National Guard has been mobilized. Apparently they’re coming from Brazil, because they are nowhere to be seen.

All of us are asking the same question inside our own heads. What if the rioters had been black? How bloody would your shoes be from what was running into the sewers?

If you don’t think there’s such a thing as white privilege in this country, you’ve earned your self-inflicted lobotomy.

Finally the Capitol is clear. And by this I mean Trumpers had to be flushed out of the building……as they were everywhere. Finally they’re pushed back by an unfailingly polite police force……who have not made a single arrest caught on camera. Some of the mob are holding pro-police flags as they scream “fuck you traitors” into the face of the police…..the same force that used truncheons and tear-gas to clear a path so Trump could take a picture with a borrowed bible during the summer’s BLM protests.

It’s all enough to make you think….well….you know….

Four people have died.

I couldn’t sit down as I watched any of this. My steps were being counted by my fancy watch….and were increasing by the thousands as the night wore on. At 8pm the House and Senate re-convened…..almost like nothing had happened at all. Republicans stood up after enabling a brazen coup attempt watched by the entire world, and continued to contest the results of a fair election.

It was like a bad dream. We all woke up……and nothing changed. The same shitheads. The cartoon characters who invaded the United States Capitol were allowed to walk away, unmolested.

I can’t get that Menzingers song out of my head…..

“America I love ya but you’re freaking me out….”

With no accountability, there will be no change.

Trump should be removed. He should go to jail. As should his enablers.

What kind of shithole country allows the very man who fomented a coup stay in power?

In a bit..


Categories: Uncategorized


January 4, 2021 Leave a comment

Well, it’s 2021.

Be careful what you wish for I guess. The pandemic rages on, as does our President, who is now on tape demanding the Georgia Secretary of State to “find” enough votes to overturn Biden’s victory there. ON TAPE. An hour long phone call in which he sounds even more unhinged than usual, which is really saying something. Clearly this is….well….something, right? Clearly we can all agree this this is….you know….

Apparently not. Republicans blamed the media for reporting their dear leader’s actual words, their shameless ass-kissing per usual knowing no boundaries. I’m not a legal scholar, so I’m not quite sure why US Marshall’s aren’t marching into the Oval Office and dragging him out in manacles for committing treason, but eventually somebody will sort it out for me I guess.

This will turn out to be another 2 day story, like all the others. Shit doesn’t stick to shit. Or if it does, nobody cares enough to notice. Our entire system of so-called checks and balances has been laid to waste by an obese reality TV star with a wretched comb-over and the linguistic skills of a held back 4th grader. Suddenly our founding fathers ain’t looking so infallible after all. It’s like that huge pile of dog shit on the floor that nobody wants to clean up. Or even admit to smelling in the first place.

I suppose it’s hard to fathom an entire political party ramming their morality through a wood-chipper, or the opposition party being so out of touch that they allowed a snake like Trump to slither into office in the first place. But alas, here we are.

And with no accountability….the circus will remain in town. The only thing that stops this in its tracks is these craven thugs going to jail. All of them. Trump…..and every single one of his enablers. But that’s not going to happen, and you know that’s not going to happen. Why?

There’s a scene in the movie “Jaws” where they hesitate cutting the shark open in daylight because they fear what may spill out all over the dock.

So yea, that’s why.

The criminality on the surface is staggering. These are dumb criminals too. I mean….they tape themselves committing crimes, like Nixon but with no panache and the IQ cut in half. They tweet their crimes.

But still, we can only absorb so much. Social media, the 24 hour spin cycle….you blink and you miss. Can you imagine what a legal autopsy might produce if everybody was focused for a few minutes? In between telling California to rake their forests to prevent wildfires and suggesting we deal with hurricanes by using nuclear weapons, Trump may have broken 17 laws while we slept. A full accounting of this crime family could fill libraries. And how ironic that would be, eh?

There is no republican party anymore. It’s gone. Ash heaped. Swimming with the fishes. You may see a few old white ghosts hovering over Ron and Nancy’s grave after some brandy’s, but that’s just for old time sake, gathering in the dark to make fun of gays and poor people. No, it’s a cult of personality now…..which is especially unfortunate when you consider….you know….Trump’s personality. A band of white thugs hangs on his mangled syntax, willing to debase themselves enough to risk dying on New Year’s Eve dancing with Rudy Giuliani and listening to Mike Love and Vanilla Ice while not wearing a mask during a pandemic. Entire news organizations exist to do his bidding… repeat lies so often that the truth becomes a liberal plot. He’ll be around until his arteries finally explode, heckling from the sidelines, playing the racists in his base as deftly as he plays cruel neanderthals like Mitch McConnell and Ted Cruz. With no bottom, outrage is muted. Nobody can conceive of anything that he would not do, so when it comes to light, the give-a-shit meter just sorta fizzles. TFS.

Trump Fatigue Syndrome.

It’s real, Bubba.

Nobody outside of the cult thinks that any of this is ok…..but Trump’s constant idiocy is indeed exhausting. He’s embarrassed this nation on an endless loop since he’s been in office, so we seem content to just wait for Biden and Harris to come in and de-fumigate the place and start all over again. For a week I expect nothing but phone calls to foreign leaders saying “we’re sorry….we’re sorry” and “we’re not really sure how this happened” over and over again, and then arguing with the Kens and Karens to wear a fucking mask. I bet they can’t wait.

It’s 2021 y’all.

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

In a bit..


Categories: Uncategorized