Home > Uncategorized > There’s a storm a-comin’….

There’s a storm a-comin’….

There’s a storm a-comin’.

I think anyway. It’s been all over the news that we’re about to be pulverized by the Winter Warlock, anywhere from 4 inches to 24 inches (depending on who you ask and how prone to exaggeration your Facebook friends are), which seems like a lot of wiggle room for the weather peeps but whatever. To prepare I made sure that our snow blower is still broken (it is), and dug out some old shovels from the basement. I fully intend to wage relentless war against this thing by shoveling and re-shoveling every hour if need be, through the night if I have to (I’ll sleep when I’m dead, and my driveway is cleared off), anything to prevent that insane knee-high morning-after mess that awaits those not as OCD as I am. My kids will laugh at me the entire time, but it will all be worth it. I think.

That’s the kind of snow that’s so heavy that it feels like you’re in the Mount Everest Death Zone moving it. A few feet then you have to stop and gulp for air and watch all the plow trucks go past your house building that ice wall at the end of your driveway ever higher. It doesn’t matter how many times I clear the driveway….as I’m convinced there’s a drone somewhere pin-pointing my location for the trucks to immediately plow me back in again. And when they plow the driveway in, they completely bury the mail box, so that needs to be re-opened as well. The mail folks…..I’m sure this is just what they need at this point in their turned-upside-down-7-days-a-week-16-hour-a-day lives…..a route full of buried mailboxes with their trucks filled with a 100% increase in Amazon Prime packages.

There will also be 2 cars in said driveway….so I’ll have to be relentless in clearing them off….then moving them from side to side, and then back again. It’s all planned in my head, like a military operation. My plan will go awry of course….within minutes…..and depending on how long my paper-mache back holds out.

You have to choose the proper clothes. Pajama pants work well with boots (I’m assuming you’ve been wearing them exclusively since March anyway….so a no-brainer). They are quick to dry off once you’ve completed your round. A hoodie with a scarf for the face (and aren’t we all used to this already anyway?) and a good ski jacket. A good skull cap is a must…..gotta keep the head warm, especially if the wind is howling, which is what they’re calling for. If you’ve got a fire place, fire it up. You can dump your gear in front of it to dry between outings. After the initial cleaning, you should plan on 15 minutes on, and 45 minutes off. Until the snow stops. You can doze on the couch but always have your phone alarm set.

(Remember, there’s nothing normal about any of this. This is strictly OCD behavior talking, so if that’s not your thing feel free to move along.)

Of course, the last time they called for “flurries” we got dumped on, so now that they’re calling for us to get dumped on it’s possible this is all just an elaborate ruse, but they seem deadly earnest this time, and have seen fit to share all sorts of official looking graphics showing the path of the storm and the snow totals, using pretty colors and interactive maps. It’s national news…..so there has to be shoveling or they will be buried in an avalanche of social media ridicule.

I don’t know if there is any such thing as a “snow day” anymore. It seems pretty quaint in 2020, as we all sit in front of Zoom screens in our pajama pants and lose track of what day it is. A pity that kids may not be let loose to lay their burdens down for a bit and roll on the white stuff…..then inside for some hot chocolate topped with marshmallows, and then back out again, in a loop until the darkness falls and the red-cheeks are returned to normal by the cool side of the pillow. As kids we used to look forward to winter storms….and now it just seems like Mother Nature made it to the front of the line and has her chance to drill us with another unwanted 2020 face tattoo.

But she ain’t gonna win. I’m gonna be down to the pavement by Thursday morning. Who’s with me?

In a bit…

–tf

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